Joke Name/Author

Content
General Motors vs Microsoft At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car
windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. ! For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
"CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5%
of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and ! grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM
would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
You know you're living and working in 2003 when...

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You know you¡¦re living and working in 2003 when...

 

01.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

02.You haven¡¦t played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

03.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

 

04.You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

 

05.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

 

06.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

07.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a ¡§9¡¨ to get an outside line.

08.You¡¦ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10.Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o¡¦clock news. 

12.Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13.Your boss doesn¡¦t have the ability to do your job. 

14.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long service awards.

15.Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16.Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 

17.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 

18.Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all of the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up. 

19.Being sick is defined as you can¡¦t walk or you¡¦re in hospital. 

20.There¡¦s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss¡¦s boss on strategy. 

21.Your relatives and family describe your job as ¡§works with computers¡¨.

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

 

22.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

 

23.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your ¡§friends¡¨. 

 

24.You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

 

25.AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NO.09

 

CONSULTANT Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze and says: "All right." 

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?" The young man answers: "Yes, why not." The shepherd says:  "You are an Alpha Edison consultant"

"How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple, answers the shepherd:
"First, you come here without being called." 
"Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew." 
"Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!"

Alpha Edison is a famous Consulting firm in the country.

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HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU COMPUTER BUFFS OUT THERE. IF THIS IS TOO CLOSE TO HOME IT MIGHT BE TIME TO TAKE SOME COURSES. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring in the customer care department. Needless to say, the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

 "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
 "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
 "What sort of trouble?"
 "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
 "Went away?"
 "They disappeared."
 "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
 "Nothing."
 "Nothing?"
 "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
 "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
 "How do I tell?"
 "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
 "What's a sea-prompt?"
 "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
 "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
 "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
 "What's a monitor?
 "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
 "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
 "I don't know."
 "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
 "Yes, I think so."
 "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if  it's plugged into the wall."
 "Yes, it is."
 "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
 "No."
 "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
 "Okay, here it is."
 "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
 "I can't reach."
 "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
 "No."
 "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
 "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -  it's because it's dark."
 "Dark?"
 "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
 "Well, turn on the office light then."
 "I can't."
 "No? Why not?"
 "Because there's a power failure."
 "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
 "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
 "Really? Is it that bad?"
 "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
 "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Employee review

contributed by Mike Wong
One day,  the Company President received the following email
E-MAIL TO THE COMPANY PRESIDENT
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A SECOND E-MAIL, SENT SOON AFTERWARDS ...
Bob was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
earlier report. Kindly read only the alternative lines
1, 3, 5, 7, ... of that e-mail for my true assessment
of him.
Regards,
Sd/-
Project Leader
Remarks: Actual content of email as follows:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
Excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the Computer was plugged responded, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

7. True story from a Novell NetWare System Operator:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
" I am fine..."

by Joe Ekman

 Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to Court. In Court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded,  "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite bull Boris into the..."didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Boris into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."  By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he was to say."  Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,  "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Boris into the trailer and was driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Boris was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear 'ol Boris moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans. Shortly after the accident, a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Boris moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the Policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him." "How are you feeling?"
Subject: Computer Upgrade Problem

by Stephen Chan

 One day, Technical Support received the following email:
Re:  Tech Support Request

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new  program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and  valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

Our Tecnical Support then replied as follows:

Dear Jonathan Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a  primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a   "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your   manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can  lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.


Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all  responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as  lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

//s// Tech Support

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